Shaking My Fists

I want to scream, stomp my feet, and shake my fists at the world.  I hate, hate, HATE it when people don't do their jobs, and it affects me - AND my family. We are 3 weeks over our original escrow closing date, and it just makes me BOIL that we can't just get into our home already.  I hate that we've been packed up for 3 weeks.  I've hated that I'd had to push Nathan's 1st birthday a week, and almost have had to cancel it all together.  I've hated that every other day "something came up" according to our realtor or mortgage officer, and I spend the night crying to sleep.  However, what I've hated the most is my ugly, worldly flesh keeps rearing its ugly head, each time "something came up."

All growing up, I have always been very docile, reserved, quiet, shy, soft-spoken, etc. - you get the picture.  Now that I've nearly had 6 years of working in junior high under my belt, I think a lot of that has been jaded.  I'm a teacher, and I work with deadlines.  One of my worst pet-peeves is incompetence.  I have always tried to live by "letting your yes, be yes - and your no, be no."  Internally, I can be very judgmental, and this is not a quality I am proud of.  For the sake of my job though, I use it a lot.  It drives me completely INSANE when someone do not do something they say they are going to do, and makes no attempt to fix it.  This makes me feel like I am totally righteous about my anger, but.....what picture of Christ does that show.

One of the things I've struggled with the most is trusting God's timing, His will, and His provisions.  I am a planner.  I will imagine 10 different "worst-case-scenarios" and pair them up with 10 solutions - just so we are "prepared."  I don't like suprises (unless they are flowers or a green tea latte) and I don't like the unknown.  When things don't get done I am use to hasseling people to get it done.  I have had to trust that things will work out when God wants them to work out and HOW He wants them to work out. 

Another this is that I have had to learn to be more submissive to Tim's authority in our family.  I am the kind of person that does not really rely much on other people or ask other people for help very often.  I tend to want to do things myself because I know how I want them done and what the end result so be.  So with something like our house situation, keeping my mouth shut is very hard.  I have (very unfairly) gotten angry so many times, and it is so hard.  God's placed us in this situation for a reason, and I need to learn from it.  Another lesson I've learned, or rather what has been revealed to me is that I have been blessed by a husband who cares about our family, and I need to rest in that fact and not try to take control.  Besides, I would have not been so gracious as Tim if I were on the phone with the various people we keep on having to call to get updates on.

To be honest, I just want all this housing stuff to be over.  I really have no desire to ever buy a house EVER again, unless I have cash that I can just throw down and run away with the keys.  Such a frustrating process, and DRAINING.  Through it all though, my family has loved me unconditionally.  Even through the tears and pity-parties, I am still so very loved.

Nathan turns ONE on Saturday, and I am reminded why we named him Nathan Joel.  When I was about 5 months along with Nathan, we though we had purchased a home, but it didn't work out.  We choose the name "Nathan" because it means "God has provided."  The Lord not only blessed us out of the blue with another child, but Nathan has been my constant reminder that the Lord provides, PERIOD.  Joel, Nathan's middle name, means "Jehovah is the Lord."  Jehovah is the Lord and He has provided!  That is the message Nathan carries with him everyday.

I could continue to be upset about so many things, but the fact is, God has (and continues to) provided solutions to every trial we've faced.  My encouragement to you is DO NOT let Satan have the satisfaction of seeing you recoil during your trials.  Allow the Lord to work through you and make you stronger. 

I am a firm believe that everything happens for a reason.  If that reason alone is to glorify the Lord, even if I don't get why things happen the way they do, that reason - in and of itself - is enough to bring me to obedience to the Lord.

Hopefully soon - around a week - we'll be moving into our HOME, and I'll be posting pictures.  In the meantime, if you're in CA, especially in the IE, stay out of the heat!  It's getting hot in here!