Struggling

I suppose that kinda sums up how my week is starting out.  I hate money, and worrying about it.  It hate when it looks like we won't have enough, and know that everything is out of my control.  I am shamed to even say I hate knowing that there is nothing I can do anymore, but trust that God's going to give us what we need.  I guess deep down, I blame myself, or somehow I feel inadequate for not always making ends meet.  This is the vicious cycle I put myself through once every other week.  Why don't you just let go and trust the Lord you ask?  That's what I'm trying to figure out.  I honestly do try, and try, and try again.  I'm not perfect, so it doesn't happen most of the time.  I am trying though.  I have learned that even though many times we don't know how we'll pay all our bills, the Lord provides exactly what we need.  I have learned that even though it doesn't seem feasible to even, ever, possibly own a home of our own, God will find one that's exactly what we need.

How am I doing though?  I'm struggling, and I'm struggling because I'm tired.  I'm tired because I worry.  I worry because I'm stubborn.  Deep down I know the week will get better.  I just wish I could somehow, miraculously, get rid of all my imperfections.  But that's not my place or job is it?  It's God's. 

It's pretty quite here right now.  Natty's asleep and Tim's at work.  I take times like these to think about where I am with the Lord, what/how I need to improve, how I can be a better wife and mother, how to be a better teacher, how I can better surrender and obey....Now that I've exhausted myself, I find God's "small voice" tell me, "Just be still..."  This has become my new favorite verse - Exodus 14:14 -->  "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still."  As I've said in my earlier blogs, I started reading through the Bible on Facebook in a year.  I'm about 11% done.  It's a commitment, but I'm determined to stick to it.  Anyway, I am in Exodus, almost finish now, and that verse has rung so through in my heart and soul the past couple weeks.

Growing up, I've always been pretty independent.  I wasn't clingy, but I loved attention.  I liked having people around.  It made me feel safe and protected.  I hated being alone.  I always felt pretty lonely until college.  I recommitted my life back to Christ my Freshman year, took life more seriously, and took school more seriously.  I had a rough time in high school. I always felt I need protection and didn't get it.  I was always looking for someone to protect me, to advocate for me.  Now that I'm older, I'm married, I have a daughter, I'm quickly discovering how much of an advocate I am for my husband and my family.  Just these past couple years, I'm starting to see how I can trust God to be my advocate.  He fights for ME, and, seriously, God's so mighty I just need to get out of the way and stand back!

Well, that's my week that is slowly turning around.

In other news, Women's Bible Study starts on Sept. 18th and I'm SO excited!  I'm doing the inductive study again, and I LOVE it!  If any of you are interested in the inductive method to Bible study, I'll help you out.  I have gotten so much out of it.  Anyways, I'm waiting in GREAT anticipation for my leader to call.  This is the week - week and a half - I look forward to most (besides koinania) because I have no clue who my leader is.  When I finally get the call, we are both so excited; you can sense the excitement. 

Hope everyone's week is start out ok and getting better!